Growing Up “Livia”

Written by: Caina Q. Fuller

Chapter Ten

Augustus Caesar wasn’t sure what he was seeing. At first glance it seemed that a lone Amazon was riding his way, and he thought perhaps it was their Queen. Upon closer examination however, he could see that it was Livia dressed as an Amazon, riding toward him. Apparently the sight of two legions was enough to frighten the warrior women into releasing her. That could mean that he outnumbered their forces.

“Hail Caesar!”

Augustus smiled, relieved beyond measure Livia was alive and well. In fact, she seemed happier now than she had before he’d left. She must be overwhelmed with relief to see a friendly face, Augustus thought.

They brought their horses together and he pulled him to her in a tight embrace. The smell of pine and fresh air perfumed her hair, and when they separated he could see almost every inch of her smooth, creamy skin in her Amazon costume. Perhaps she would wear it for him again when they were back in Rome.

“How have you been treated?”

“Just fine. Augustus, do you remember when I was a child? I told you about a slave woman and her daughter at the Academy.”

“Yes. The girl was sold off when her mother was killed in a raid by some Greek guards from the temple of Mars.”

“Exactly. That girl, Brigid, is now the Queen of this tribe! Can you believe that?”

A bright smile lit up Livia’s blue eyes like he’d never seen before, and to his surprise, it angered him. She’d come here to prove herself as a warrior to the Roman people so she could secure her career, and now she was talking about finding old friends?

“And what of your legion Livia?” Augustus asked, his voice heavy with anger and disapproval.

The smile faded from her lips when she saw his anger, and a shell of cool professionalism glassed her blue eyes over, making them dark again.

“They were outnumbered and destroyed. I was the only one captured alive because Brigid saved me.”

“I see. So you come here to prove yourself as a warrior to Rome, and end up playing house?”

Livia flinched back, shocked at his anger. “I wasn’t playing house. I was-“

“I know what you were doing.”

She couldn’t believe the way he was acting. “Augustus, what’s wrong with you?”

“There’s nothing wrong with me. There is something wrong with you, however. You spend a little time with an old girlfriend and suddenly you’ve gone soft. There is no room for softness in Rome’s future Champion.”

Livia shook her head, unable to believe what she was hearing. She’d never seen Augustus behave so erratically. It was almost like dealing with a stranger.

“Take me to this Queen of yours.”

“Why?”

Augustus’ hand came up to strike her, but her quick reflexes grabbed his hand before he could make contact. He jerked his hand out of hers, grabbed her reins and turned her horse to face the Amazon forests.

“How many of them are there?”

“Five thousand.” She said, as he herded her toward the Amazon land, making her feel like a five year old being punished for stealing.

“Is that all? Your legion was defeated by only five thousand women?”

“No. Many of the warriors that had come to participate in the battle returned to their home soils, further north. What are you going to do Augustus?”

“I’m going to make you chose sides.”

They reached the edge of the forests and Brigid rode out alone. Augustus knew the trees were practically infested with women warriors, but he would put an end to that threat soon enough.

“Augustus, this is Brigid. She’s the only sister I’ve ever known.”

Augustus Caesar stared Brigid down with contempt. “So, you’re the one who’s weakened Livia’s resolve. She has a destiny to fulfill, and I’ll be damned if some savage bitch gets in the way of that.”

Brigid looked into Livia’s eyes, knowing the time for her to choose whom she would follow had arrived. Had she gotten through to Livia, or was she too late after all?

“Livia. It’s time to choose. Me, or Rome?”

Livia’s heart and mind was torn into two halves. She loved both Rome and Brigid. She had been raised by Ares with two goals in mind: Rule Rome and exterminate the followers of Eli. Now that her own people had returned for her, which would she choose? Which did she love more? Brigid, or power?

“If you chose her, you die here today with her and a herd of cattle that despise you. Chose Livia. Rome, or the Amazons who want you dead as it is?”

How did Augustus know about the Amazons wanting her dead…? Then it hit her. Augustus did seem like a completely different man, because he was a completely different man.

“Ares?”

Augustus began laughing and morphed into the god of War. “That’s right. I’m here to give you a choice. Me or her? Remember, I made you great, and I can make you even greater. You stay with here and all you have to look forward to is a lifetime of struggling in some cold forest, never knowing if one of the whore’s around you is plotting to kill you or not.”

“And that’s different from life as a Roman commander?” Brigid asked, standing up to Ares bravely. “At least with me she knows she’ll be loved.”

“Loved? Loved?” Ares rolled his eyes in disgust and took hold of Livia’s arm. When he did, images of her life with him, and promises of greatness to come began to flood her mind. She could not only see herself sitting in the throne, she could feel it.

Who was she trying to kid? The time for her and Brigid had come and gone. They weren’t children anymore, they were warriors. She had a career to forge, and she couldn’t do that with emotional baggage like Brigid hanging on her back. It occurred to Livia that these thoughts weren’t completely her own, but she didn’t disagree with them regardless.

Brigid could see the change in Livia as well, and she knew she’d lost the war against Ares over Livia’s heart and soul. Livia was power hungry and blood thirsty, and a month and a half of love and kindness couldn’t completely change that.

“Kill her Livia. Put this behind you and go back to Rome, with your emperor.”

Slowly Ares began to change back into Augustus Caesar, and she knew that Ares had only temporarily possessed the great emperor. Now that Ares had said his peace, Augustus was himself again.

“I suppose,” Brigid said, “you’ve made up your mind?”

Both Brigid and Augustus looked to Livia now, and the temptation of power was too great a pull on Livia. Part of her was disgusted to admit it, but she wanted power more than she wanted her sister’s love.

“I’m sorry Brigid. I’m Roman. I cannot betray my people to save a nation that despises me. But I can save you. Come back with me.”

“Absolutely not Livia. If we take her, we’ll never get rid of the Amazon threat. She dies, with her people. Here.”

Augustus handed Livia a crossbow. “Give the signal to obliterate the Amazon’s.”

Brigid’s eyes pleaded with Livia not to do it, but she knew in her heart it was a lost cause. Linara’s words came back to haunt her, and now Brigid knew she was right.

“Linara was right Livie. You haven’t been my sister since I lost you so many years ago. You’re a stranger willing to kill me to suit your purposes. You only love yourself.”

Though that wasn’t the complete truth, Livia allowed Brigid to imagine it was. She allowed the ice to begin to harden around her heart, making her soul cold and lifeless once again. Livia drew her sword, then aimed the crossbow at the sky.

“Good-bye Livia.”

“Good-bye…Spider.”

She fired the crossbow, and an eerie calm settled over the valley. Then, one by one, massive balls of fire began to fall from the sky like hail in a devil’s nightmare, destroying the Amazon forests. Destroying the Amazon nation. Brigid gave a retreat signal to her people in the trees, but she may have been too late.

The men who’d been hiding in wait in the field under grass covers for camouflage emerged from the ground and rushed into the forests. Many of them fell, but many more made it past the Amazon’s defenses. All the while, Brigid and Eve never looked away from one another.

The two women dismounted their horses and faced off. “No matter who wins this fight Brigid, Rome has won.”

“But you will loose Livia. You’ll loose your soul and what little bit of goodness remains in you.”

“It’s a price I’m willing to pay for power.”

They fought like they never had before, even when Livia had first arrived here in the forest on her invasion. Perhaps Ares was giving her a boost, or perhaps it was the tears blinding Brigid’s eyes. Either way, Livia soon disarmed her opponent. And as her sword sank into the soft flesh of Brigid’s midsection, Livia felt her soul literally die.

“I still love you…Livie.”

“And I love you.” Her words were weak, barely registering above the sound of battle raging around them, but Livia knew Brigid had heard her.

She vowed then and there, as Brigid slid to the ground, closed her eyes and sighed her last breath that she would never allow herself to think of her sister again. She would never allow herself to remember the happy days of her childhood before Ares came along and lay claim on her.

She would never allow herself to love again.

**********

That night Livia cleaned the blood of the only woman she had ever called sister from her blade. She thought of Ghita, and how she never would have run across Brigid had that woman not played this despicable game to get her killed. She didn’t know if she should thank the woman or hate her for it. Perhaps a little of both. Despite her conflicting emotions regarding Brigid, Livia vowed that when she got back to Rome, she hammer the nails into Ghita’s wrists herself. She hated everyone and every thing, including Augustus.

And especially Ares.

The god of War, she decided held most of the responsibility for the way her life had turned out, yet he was the only one she knew she could depend on to be there. At least that’s what she told herself.

She thought of the Elijans and she wondered if what they believed was real. Was Eli’s God as powerful as everyone claimed He was? If so, what would he want in return for saving her from a lifetime of this pathetic, day to day existence of lies and bloodshed?

The blood on her hands smelled sharp and sickening in the stuffy air of the tent. The bath had heated the entire space of the tent up until she could hardly breathe. She quickly finished cleaning herself off and stepped from the tub. No sooner did she pull on a robe did Augustus Caesar enter her tent.

“What are you doing in here?” He asked, small beads of sweat breaking out on his forehead from the humidity in the room.

“This is the commanders tent isn’t it?”

“Yes, but you’re not my commander.”

Her eyes snapped up at him in panic. “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean you have a long way to go before you earn another commission.”

He stroked the soft skin of her face, and then pulled her to him for their first real kiss. If she didn’t despise him so much, she may have enjoyed the moment. However she hated everyone in existence, herself included.

Augustus picked up on that, and broke the kiss. “You will stay with me, in my tent. It will be your first steps on the road to redemption.”

“If people know we’re sleeping together Augustus, they will never respect me. They’ll just think you’re giving me a second chance because I’m your whore.”

“They already know you’re my charge. If we’re not sleeping together, they’ll think I’m giving you a second chance based on nepotism anyway. At least this way, I’ll have my satisfaction.”

**********

Livia felt sick to her stomach. She quickly robed and ran from Augustus’ tent into the cool night air to give in to her uncontrollable urge to vomit. His scent was all she could smell with each breath she took and she prayed she wouldn’t get pregnant with his child.

Finally, when she finished heaving, Livia laid back into the dew-covered grass and felt the ground absorb her body heat until she lay shivering. The night sky was crystal clear and spotted with twinkling stars. Though she’d vowed never to think of Brigid again, her sister’s face floated through her minds eye.

My existence, Livia thought, will be a miserable one until either I die, or I kill Augustus. If only I’d stayed with Brigid.

She considered sparing herself the pain and misery living another day as his mistress and his plaything. She did have her pride, and now she was paying for it with her happiness. It all seemed so unfair that Augustus should have everything he wanted from her, and she got nothing in return.

A face she had almost forgotten came to mind. She’d called the blond woman Mother in her childhood, in the days before Octavius. Though she strained to focus on her, Mother’s face eluded her and finally she gave up trying. Especially when Augustus appeared, standing over her.

“Are you ill?”

“What do you think?”

Augustus pulled her up to her feet, roughly. He wanted her to want him as much as he desired her, but it wasn’t working out that way. How could he make her love him? What would he have to do to win her over again?

“I think,” he said, “I pushed you too hard today. I should have let you keep your little friend. ”

He was trying to apologize to her, and in Livia’s eyes that made him seem even weaker, and that disgusted her even more. However this time she hid her true feelings more than she did by running from the tent and throwing up at his touch.

“It wasn’t so bad,” she lied. She wanted to smile at him, to lie to him with her eyes, but she just couldn’t. She’d lost too much today to play games tonight. All she wanted to do was sleep. If she could sleep, she reasoned, she could wake up tomorrow and play the part of Livia of Rome. She may even be able to convince him she loved him. Someday.

For tonight however, she just wanted to be rid of him, and the only way to do that would be to escape into sleep. So Livia returned to his tent, to his bed, and allowed him to cradle her in his arms. But her dreams were restless; full of nightmares born of guilt she would never be able to rid herself of.

The End of Chapter Ten