Growing Up “Livia”
Conclusion
Written by: Caina Q.
Fuller
Two years later
“What the hell is going on? Senetus!”
Livia searched for her second
in command but he was nowhere in sight. As a matter of fact nothing was in
sight, anywhere. Smoke filled the air like a thick midnight fog, burning her
throat and lungs with each breath she took.
What was worse was that in the heat of battle and with limited
vision, she’d cut down two of her own men as they’d stumbled towards her in the
smoke. Her vision was blurring from the tears streaming down her face as her
eyes attempted to compensate for the smoke burning them.
She dropped to her knees where the smoke was thinner. Augustus had
postponed their wedding at the last minute for the second time to send her to
Pylos in order to squash an anti-Roman uprising that was rumored to be started
by the descendants of Vercinix and some Elijan deserters. She was supposed to
be going into her second year as empress, but something seemed to always come
up to delay their wedding.
She wondered if it was Ares’ doing. Every time she saw him he
seemed…jealous of her relationship with Augustus. Though she knew he’d never
admit to that, she found it amusing all the same.
What she didn’t find amusing was his constant references to the
late Xena. And lately, he’d been making off hand remarks about how she had
Xena’s eyes, or Xena’s walk or laugh. When she fought she moved like Xena.
Finally she’d confronted him about it and found they were coming
up on the twenty-fifth anniversary of the Warrior Princess’ death. He was, in
some odd way, grieving for Xena.
The sentimentality of it all made her positively sick. The last
thing she wanted to hear about now was Xena. It seemed that she’d been in
competition all her life with a ghost and she hated Xena for it.
She and her men had gotten halfway between the base of Mt. Ithome
and Pylos when suddenly fire rained down upon her legion and the enemy had come
out of the wood work…literally.
She found herself coughing and gagging, and her stomach churned
from the smoke she was sucking down by the lungful. Dizziness began to creep
over her, and she suspected there was more to this smoke than usual.
“Senetus! Where are you?”
“I’m here Livia!”
“Stay close to the ground. Come to me!”
Suddenly a massive hand gripped her wrist. She brought her sword up, trying to kill her
assailant, but at the last moment she realized it was Senetus.
“What’s going on?”
“I’ve ordered a retreat! Come on!”
“You what?”
Anger burned in her gut now as much as the air in her lungs. “I
don’t retreat.”
“Sometimes you have to Livia. We’re not going to have another
militaristic blunder like you did with the Amazons seven years ago. Now come
on!”
She felt like she could kill him. Not because she felt he was
being rude, but because he was right and she couldn’t defend it. She also
thought of Acastus and what a fool he’d been. She didn’t want to follow in his
footsteps again like she had with the Amazons seven years before.
They finally reached clear air and she gulped it down, almost to
the point of hyperventilating. The dizziness cleared somewhat, which made it
easier for her to fight her way past the enemy that attacked as she made her
way to the horses her men had been riding before the attack.
She could feel her neck burning with embarrassment. She was on the
run, something she wasn’t accustomed to.
She and Senetus, along with about seven thousand of her men, made their
way back toward Mt. Ithome. They could
regroup and secure the area to defend against attack while they regrouped.
Once she and her men had their heads about them again however, she
would attack again. This time the attack would be stealthy. The enemy, she
vowed, would never see it coming.
**********
When she entered her tent Livia found Ares waiting inside. His
arms were crossed over his chest and a hot bath steamed in the corner. Courtesy
the god of War no doubt.
Her clothes suddenly melted away. She stood before him naked, but
this time her body didn’t long for his touch. It longed for a hole in the
ground for her to empty her lunch.
“You look ill.” The look in his eyes looked almost like genuine
concern. Almost.
Suddenly Livia could hold back her gorge no longer. She rushed to
the basket she used to place her dirty uniforms in and lost her battle with
nausea. When she was finished, Ares
pulled her up.
“You’ve been doing this a lot lately.”
“It’s nothing. It’s all that smoke I inhaled earlier. That’s all.”
She pulled free from him and sank into the water. The heat from
the bath felt good against her cold skin and tense muscles. She began to relax
and when she did, the nausea faded away like a bad dream.
Ares came to stand behind her. He reached into the water and
touched her stomach. A few seconds later that same hand trailed up her body and
gently pulled her head back so she could look into his eyes.
“You’re pregnant.”
**********
The snow that usually covered the top of Mt. Aetna weakened under
the warmth air of the warm front that had moved into the area. As the air
warmed the snow melted until finally it began to slide toward the base.
As the snow sloughed off the side of the mountain every crook and
crevice that pitted the side of the mountain was laid bare to the sun, including
a cave that held a precious secret.
A secret that had been lost for over twenty-five years…
**********
Livia felt her heart leap in her chest. Pregnant? She couldn’t be.
The idea of a baby scared her in ways nothing else could, because her first reaction
had been so foreign she almost didn’t recognize it as joy until moments later.
A baby could do serious damage to her ability to carry out her
duties as Champion of Rome. She couldn’t fight on the field if she was
pregnant. If she had to be pulled from
active duty she could kiss her military career good-by.
She would also have to face the fact that a child was the one
thing that could warm her cold heart. She had become comfortable not allowing
herself to know true happiness. If she had a baby she knew it would make her
love again. If she began to love again, guilt for all the lives she’d stolen in
her past would come to haunt her.
She stood from the tub in a rage and faced Ares. “Well get rid of it!”
Ares blinked, surprised by her reaction. “Why? This is just what
you need to secure your position as Champion of Rome. You give Augustus a child
and he won’t be able to wait to marry you.”
“How do you know it’s his? It could be yours.”
“I’m a god Livia. I’d know if it was mine. This child is the rightful
heir to the throne of…Oh.” His voice trailed off as he realized what he was
saying. If the child were born it would be Augustus’ successor, not Livia.
He held up a vial of clear liquid. “Drink this. It’ll solve all your problems.”
“What is it?” She said,
taking the vial.
“That’s not important. Just take it and you’ll lose the baby. Just
don’t loose this battle.”
He turned and walked away, fading as he went. Livia sank back down into the hot water and
looked at the vial in the light of the lantern hanging above her. It looked
like harmless water, but it had the power to end her pregnancy.
“Why is it so hard for me to decide?” She wondered aloud. She knew
a baby at this time in her life would be detrimental to her career. She finally came to her decision and popped
the lid on the vial.
“If I could murder my own sister, I can kill my own kid.” She tossed back the sour contents of the
vial and felt herself begin to laugh. Once she started she found she couldn’t
stop herself. She knew that if any of her men outside could hear her, they
would think her crazy.
They would be right.
She was going crazy, and she didn’t know how to save her
sanity. “I’ll just add it to my pile of regrets later.”
Livia emerged from the water and just as she
reached her bed the worse cramps she’d ever imagined one could feel wracked her
body. She fell to the floor and began to scream from the pain of it.
Senetus rushed in a few seconds later and placed her on the bed.
He was horrified to see the blood beginning to pour from between his
commanders’ legs.
“Livia! What happened?”
“I’m…sick…”
He threw his cloak over her and rushed out. Senetus grabbed the
nearest soldier and jerked him up by the collar.
“Get Livia’s physician. Now!”
“Yes sir!” The panicked soldier took off through the camp to do as
ordered while Senetus rushed back inside to his mistress’ side.
“You’re going to be ok Commander. Don’t worry.”
Though his voice sounded sure, he wasn’t. He’d never seen anything
like this before, and he’d never seen Livia look so uncertain and afraid. She
suddenly seemed like a child to him, even though she was twenty-five years old.
“I’ve never known such pain Senetus.”
“The physician is coming.” He couldn’t think of anything to say to
help her, so he held her as she screamed in agony.
Half an hour later the physician placed a small red blob in a pan
and covered it up.
“You’ve had a miscarriage Commander,” the physician said, washing
his hands of blood. “I’ve examined you
and as far as I can tell there is nothing else wrong. You will have to stay in
bed for a few days however, to recover.”
Livia looked at him in disbelief.
“I’m at war here Healer. I don’t have time to lay around on my ass while
my men fight without me.”
The physician shook his head.
“I’m sorry commander, but if you don’t rest you may ruin your chances of
having children in the future. Don’t you want to provide an heir to the throne
for our emperor?”
No, she
thought, though she nodded yes. She was so tired. All she wanted to do was
sleep and wake up from this nightmare in one piece and still in control.
“I’ve given you something to help you sleep.
I’ll check in on you in a few hours.”
“Senetus,” she said. Her voice sounded tired and weak in her own
ears. “Look out after our men. If I
can’t fight…win this battle.”
“I will commander. I give you my word.”
She sank down into darkness and left her pain behind.
**********
The next day Senetus and every man that remained in the legion,
about seven thousand total, took up position around the enemy camp. He was just about to order the attack when
movement caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. To his surprise he
looked over and found Livia moving toward him.
He couldn’t deny his disappointment. He’d wanted to lead this
campaign, alone. It had been years since he’d ridden into battle as the top
soldier, instead of second to some other warrior.
“Livia,” he said. He slowly lowered his hand as she brought her
horse around beside his. “I thought you
were supposed to stay in bed?”
“I was, but I feel better now. Do the men know what happened?”
“They know something happened, but not what. Not unless the
physician opened his mouth.”
“If he did I’ll rip his heart from his chest and stuff it down his
throat.”
Senetus was used to seeing Livia in her violence, but not actually
talking about doing violent things. It was unusual for her.
“Well? What are you waiting for?” She snapped at him, her
irritation growing as her head throbbed from the aftereffects of either the
potion Ares had given her to end her pregnancy or the mixture she’d been given
by the healer to sleep. Her insides were sore, as if she’d been repeatedly
kicked in the guts the day before. “Situation report.”
“Our scouts have returned with good news. The enemy is flying
under a strange flag.”
“Strange? How so?”
“It’s a battle axe, symbol used by the descendants of Vercinix,
and a dove resting on the blade of the axe.”
Livia picked up his line of reasoning. “The dove is the symbol of peace for the Elijan cult. So they have
teamed up with the descendants of Vercinix. Could you imagine such a thing?
Elijans fighting?”
“Actually,” Senetus said, interrupting her. “They’ve disassociated themselves from the
Elijans in order to defend the peaceful members that have come to Pylos in
order to rebuild Eli’s first temple.”
“Mmm. Too bad. If they’d remained associated with the cult of Eli,
we could label them as hypocrites. No matter. What’s the news on their
defenses?”
“They’ve used up their artillery trying to destroy us in the first
wave. We’ve poisoned their water supply and we killed many of their men when
they attempted to go fishing earlier this morning. They’ll starve and thirst to
death if they don’t surrender.”
For a person like Livia this was good news indeed, yet she found no
joy in the situation. All she could think about was the child she’d destroyed.
Even though she knew it was the wisest move for her career, she wasn’t sure if
it was the wisest move for her personally. She’d killed many children in her
time, yet this unborn child was nagging at her conscience like nothing else
ever had.
“Your orders, sir?”
“We’re in range for our archers. Have them light up and rain fire
down up on them. I want to take them back to Rome as slaves.”
**********
Livia watched her archers light their arrows and
on her command, they rained fire down upon the remaining resistance fighters in
the Pylos temple ruins. She watched as the people below scrambled about, trying
to escape the smoke.
She willed her heart to enjoy the moment, but it remained cold and
unfeeling. Dead. She feared, mentally not emotionally, that perhaps she’d
finally succeeded in completely killing her soul.
“Senetus,” she said. She didn’t bother to look over at the aging
commander. “Let’s go into the village. I need something to get my blood going.”
“Cease fire!” Senetus ordered. Livia and Senetus drew their swords
and raised them high into the air.
“First wave! Attack!” Livia shouted. Her men rushed into the
temple where over three hundred men, women and children had taken up residence
in the name of Eli.
“Senetus! Have the remaining men return to camp. We don’t need
them. Join me when they’re gone!”
Livia raced down the hill and into battle, hoping against hope
that she would feel something when she got to the bottom. If she didn’t, she
knew she was a dead woman walking, and life will have lost its savor for her
forever.
**********
Ares appeared in the center of the Senate hall, though none of the
mortals within could see him. Augustus Caesar paced back and forth, listening
to his closest friends and advisors praise Livia. It warmed his heart to know
that they seemed to love her almost as much as he did.
Mikolas, one of Augustus’ oldest and wisest advisors, spoke of
Livia’s popularity with the people. The emperor trusted his word more than any
others on matters such as these, for Mikolas had his finger on the pulse of
Roman society like no one else he knew.
“The local Bard’s sing songs of Livia’s conquests in Rome’s honor
my lord. They love her…”
Mikolas’ voice trailed off as he realized almost too late what he
was about to say. He hoped Augustus would leave it be, but of course he wasn’t
that lucky.
“They love her…? What?”
The emperor stared at him, crossing his arms over his chest. Mikolas continued. “They love her almost more than they love you sire.”
To everyone’s relief Augustus began laughing. “Well then. In that case…I’d better give the
people what they want.”
The other ten men in the room looked at one another in confusion,
but Mikolas was the only one with the guts to speak up.
“What is that my lord?”
“When Livia returns from her latest conquest to squash resistance
to the Roman way of life I’m going to name her my official successor.”
The other men in the room sat back and relaxed, smiles on their
faces. However no man in the room had a
smile wider than the one plastered to Ares’ face.
**********
Livia rode into battle, Her helmet covering her head should some
bold former Elijan or descendant of the barbarian Vercinix decide to do
something bold and aim an arrow at her head, or take her out with a mace.
She flipped from the saddle of her horse and landed in the center
of the temple. She began to cut down man after man, or woman after woman. Whichever crossed her path. As she fought, she found she was unable to
enjoy the slaughter.
The people were too easy for her to defeat. True, she saw some of
them take out several of her own soldiers, but none of them were like Krikor,
the Elijan priest she’d fought what now seemed to be a lifetime ago. None of them held any real skill to
challenge her.
Finally she noticed a familiar form appearing in a relatively
secluded corner. She felt his eyes on her as she fought. Usually this felt good
but today…today seemed to be a day painted by an artist who used only grays and
blacks instead of colors to tell the story.
She finally pulled off her helmet, exposing her face to the sun.
She sauntered up to Ares, who was smiling at her.
“Congratulations Livia.”
“I’ve had tougher games of tag,” she said, wishing some pathetic
Elijan with a crossbow and a little bit of skill would take her out of this
miserable existence forever. She was at an all time low in her life, even
though her career was at an all time high.
“I’m not talking about the battle. Oh, the battle is good…No. I’m
talking about you being named the emperors official successor.”
Livia forced her lips to turn up at the corners as the sound of
slaughter continued behind her. The god of War, her lover and mentor expected
her to be pleased with this news, so she forced herself to give him what he
wanted.
Just like she always has.
“Then our plans are right on target.”
“Soon you will be the most powerful woman this empire has ever
known.”
“And no one can stop us from destroying the followers of Eli as
traitors to Rome, and the god she honors.”
He pulled her into a kiss, but Livia felt no joy in the moment.
She knew in her heart that if something didn’t happen soon to heal her
butchered heart she would either destroy the world trying to make herself feel
again, or she would kill herself to end it all.
**********
As Livia led the slaves she’d captured at the temple ruins in
Pylos through the streets of Rome, the screaming of the crowd finally sparked
an emotion…irritation. She knew they loved her, but she’d just as soon kill
them for all the noise they were making.
She’d never been this cold, this hard. She’d never been so
desperate for…love. In her mind she wished she could return to the old days and
do it all over again. Even though she’d lost Brigid, she would run back to her
room instead of to Ares.
If she had done that she wouldn’t be where she was today, she
knew. She wouldn’t be the Champion of Rome. She wouldn’t be Augustus’ fiancé,
or the protégé of the god of War.
Instead she’d probably be a fine Roman woman, married to some
Roman official with three or four children clinging to her skirts, driving her
mad, in a good way, with their crying and childish concerns.
She would be normal.
For the first time in years she felt resentment building up in her
heart for Ares and all he’d done to her. He’d ruined her, and now she knew it.
Yet she also knew she couldn’t change. It wasn’t from any lack of
desire to change; it was a lack of ability to change. A leopard, she’d
once heard, couldn’t change its spots.
She couldn’t change who she was, and she knew it. Even if someone
came to her at this moment and offered to love her unconditionally, she knew
all she would be able to give in return would be hate.
Finally she arrived before the palace. Augustus Caesar sat on his
balcony, looking out over the victory march Livia was leading, but there was
something wrong with him. If Livia didn’t know better, she could swear she saw
the outline of someone standing just to Augustus’ right. He seemed to be…afraid?
Angry? She couldn’t place her finger on it, but something was definitely wrong.
She faced him and gave her usual tired salutation. “Hail Augustus, Emperor of Rome. I render to
you the spoils of battle.”
“Your triumph and tribute pleases Us Livia. Accept Our thanks, and
the thanks of a grateful nation.”
She watched him closely as he looked to his right again, as if
someone were speaking to him. This was highly unusual, for she knew he’d never
had anyone on the balcony with him before during a victory march. No one. So who was there now?
He waved and then closed the curtain, blocking her and everyone
else out. Panic flooded her gut and made her heart begin to pound, and she was
grateful for it. Perhaps the emotional death of her soul had only been
temporary. Perhaps a threat to her position of power would awaken some life in
her after all.
Something was going on here. She didn’t know what, but she would
find out soon. Very soon. Her saving
grace had finally arrived. Salvation was close at hand for Livia’s soul…she
just didn’t know it yet.
**********
Livia stepped from the bath and wrapped a towel around her body.
She’d ordered her personal slaves to set out her off duty Champion’s Uniform.
It was more comfortable than the uniform she wore during battle, but it also
showed off her physique in the most flattering way.
As she dressed Augustus entered and that panic that was in his
eyes when she’d first returned was still present. She’d been waiting for hours to see him.
“Augustus, what’s going on?”
“What do you mean?” he said, turning away from her and going to
the window.
“I mean, what’s the mater with you? You’ve been acting strangely
since I returned. I thought I saw someone on the balcony with you when I
returned from Pylos earlier. Who was it?”
“No one. I was alone on the balcony.”
“You lie Augustus.”
He turned on her with self-righteous anger, but when he looked
into her eyes, the panic returned. She went to him and eased him toward the
bed.
“What’s going on?” She asked, sitting beside him. “It’s not
another woman is it?”
A flash of something she couldn’t readily identify went through
his eyes. Indeed it was another woman.
“Who is she?”
“I’m not having an affair Livia. It’s nothing. Nothing. I just
came here to welcome you home from your trip. Welcome home.”
He moved to leave but she gripped his arm. “Augustus-“
“Let go of me!”
He jerked his arm free and stormed out of the door, leaving her
shaken and confused. She had only one other person in life that cared enough
about her to listen: Ares.
Livia quickly dressed and rushed out the door, heading for her
date with Ares in the empty arena.
**********
“Something is going on with him,” Livia said, when she’d finally
arrived at the arena. Ares had been there, waiting for her. He was practicing
with his sword when she’d rushed in, panicked.
“Something is wrong with whom?”
“Augustus, who else?” She snapped. She paced back and forth, but
Ares caught her and pulled her to him.
“Shhhh. What’s going on?”
“I don’t know. You’re the god here, why don’t you tell me?”
“Alright then. Later tonight I’ll stop by his chambers and read
his dreams. Will that make you feel better?”
She began to relax. Ares would use his powers, she told
herself, to resolve this situation. In the meantime I can relax and just let
him deal with it.
They began to kiss and as they did she was pleased to feel herself
responding to him. It was only lust, but it was something. It felt good to feel
again, if even for a little while.
She pulled back and kneed him in the groin. When he fell back, she
drew her sword and the fight was on. She gave it her best, but she was no even
match for Ares. No matter what she threw his way he seemed to be able to block
it, but he was also enjoying the swordplay as much as she was.
“You are worse than a wasp!”
“And death has no sting for gods, remember?”
They continued to fight, but Ares quickly got the best of her. He
pulled her to him, and she knew the time for swordplay was over. It was time
for something more exciting. Something more personal and physical.
“You give up?”
“I’ll give you something.”
Livia closed her eyes and allowed her body to melt against Ares.
Little did she know that her life was about to change in ways she’d never
imagined before. She was about to begin a journey of pain and anger, but also
of self-discovery and hope.
Most importantly, love, true and selfless was about to enter her
life. It is this love that Livia has dreamed of knowing and feeling since she’d
lost her sister Brigid as a child.
Just as she was getting into the kiss, a strange sound echoed
through the steel air and Ares pulled away from her. There was both recognition
and confusion in his eyes.
No sooner did their lips part did something dart between them,
separating them. It looked like a metal disk of some sort…
Then it happened.
Livia followed the flying disk on its return to its owner, and her
eyes fell upon a mysterious dark-haired warrior woman. There was something,
deep within her soul, that recognized her, but Livia pushed the feeling away.
Of course she’d never seen this woman before in her entire life. Still…
Ares knew her. She could see it in his eyes. She’d never seen the
god of War rattled before, but he was now. He looked almost moved to tears by
this woman, and that scared Livia. She may not have felt love in a long time,
but she knew it when she saw it in someone else’s eyes.
She saw love in Ares’ eyes now.
She followed behind him as he walked slowly up to the woman who’d
pulled them apart. Little did Livia know the separation between her and Ares
would be permanent because of this woman. Livia’s only question was who
is she?
The warrior put her sword to Ares’ chest, and spoke for the first
time.
“If you were mortal, I’d cut out your heart.”
Instead of being offended as he would have been with her, had
Livia spoken to him like that, Ares only smiled and walked into the sword,
allowing it to pass through his body.
He’s going
to kiss her, Livia thought with panic. Not because she was afraid of losing
someone she loved, but because of the threat another woman would pose to her
position as Augustus’ successor. She could easily become Augustus’ next Ghita.
Who was this woman, and why did she seem to mean so much to Ares?
Then her question was answered. As Ares leaned in to kiss the
stranger who’d literally come between her and the god of War, he spoke her
name.
It was the name of the woman who would change her life forever.
The name of the woman who would save her soul with her unconditional love.
“Xena…”
The End.