Xena Has a Bad Day?

By: Rebecca (Becky) Perkins

DISCLAIMER: Xena: Warrior Princess is the sole property of Renaissance Pictures, and all that. I’m only borrowing the characters, they’re still theirs. The characters that you don’t recognize came out of my very own little brain, and they are mine. But they can borrow them if they want to. :o)

NOW THE IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: Any Joxer abuse in this story is for the sole benefit of my friend Jack. I wrote this for him, so I made a few allowances. Otherwise, you would see Joxer on a pedestal up in the clouds.

The bard awoke to the splashing of something wet upon her face. Looking to the sky, she was greeted with a unique perspective of a beautiful spring rain. The clouds were a lovely shade of gray, and the—

Splash! Gabrielle looked up from her scroll to see Xena quirking a smile. "Sorry, Gabrielle, I missed." Xena was standing above Gabrielle, holding a now empty slop bucket. Gabrielle’s face turned from one of confusion to one of anger.

"Missed? Missed! And just what were you aiming for?" She turned to follow Xena’s gaze and saw an amazingly dry Joxer coming out of the bushes behind her.

Joxer looked between the two. "Hey, I found you guys. Um, did I miss something?"

"She, she-" Gabrielle was interrupted by Xena.

"Nothing at all, Joxer. Come to play with ‘Gabby’ have you? Gonna sully your armor and all that?"

"What!?" Xena’s two baffled friends spoke in unison.

Gabrielle gave Xena a harsh look, "And just what is that supposed to mean? What in Tartarus is with you today?"

Xena smirked at the two, then stomped off into the forest. There was an uncomfortable moment of silence. Joxer broke it, "Um, er, I-I have no idea what that was about. D-do you?"

Gabrielle noticed the slight tinge of red that had enveloped Joxer’s face. She momentarily wondered about it, then shrugged it off to confusion. "No idea at all. Just before you came out of the bushes she tried to-"

"What?"

"Well, it’s strange, but she tried to throw a bucket of slop on you."

"Oh, so that’s what you’re wearing. I take it she missed." He smiled at the look of disgust on Gabby’s face as she suddenly remembered what her clothes and hair were dripping with. Then his face returned to its normal look of confusion. "Wait, she tried to throw it on me? What did I do?"

Gabrielle shrugged, "Nothing that I can tell. You weren’t even singing this time. I’m gonna go wash off in the lake."

Joxer smiled, "Can I come?"

Gabrielle sent him a stare that told him the answer was definitely, positively, beyond a doubt, ‘no.’

Joxer blushed again and watched her stalk off toward the lake. Sighing, he picked up the scroll she had been working on. He used his shirt to wipe off the slop, and read what she had written. When he got to the end, he put it down and felt pride for his friend’s ability. "Oh, how I love to read your words, my sweet."

Gabrielle, much cleaner but also considerably wetter, stepped out of the brush. "Did you say something?"

"No, no, not me. I was just reading your new story. Looks pretty good."

Gabrielle said nothing, but removed the scroll from his grip, rolled it up, and placed it in her pack.

After another long moment of silence, they decided that since it was almost dinnertime they should split up the chores. Joxer was to gather more firewood, while Gabby was to find something to eat. For some reason, they doubted that Xena would be catching them something to eat this time.

As Gabrielle was gathering berries and nuts, she had some time to think. ‘Hmm, it looks like Joxer the Klutzy will be staying on with us for a while. He’ll probably hang around until we have another adventure. I think I’m actually glad to see him, since Xena seems to be out of sorts.’ She moved off to the next bush. ‘And just what is with Xena today anyway? Heh, it’s not like she didn’t have a good time with those smithcrafter brothers last night. I would think she’d be in a good mood.’

She thought back to how their night had gone. It had been a typical day, and Gabrielle had, indeed, awakened to a nice spring rain on her face. Xena had come back to camp just as she had finished packing up. "Where were you?" Gabrielle had wondered. Xena had had that sated, post-battle look about her.

"Oh, nowhere. Just taking care of a couple of marauders."

Since this was typical Xena behavior, Gabrielle thought nothing of it and they had gone on their way. They headed for the nearest town. Thankfully it was only a couple of hours worth of walking, as the rain was a little chilly.

When they reached town, Xena mumbled something about shoeing Argo. This was funny, because she had just gotten him new shoes a week before. Gabrielle amused herself by shopping around in the stalls. She fancied herself to be pretty good at bargaining, and she even got a couple of good deals on some long-needed items.

She finished with her shopping and still there was no sign of Xena. "Well, I guess I’ll just secure us a room at the inn." She headed off toward the tavern, which had an inn upstairs, as was the usual custom. She was almost there when she spotted another shopping stall. It was odd for it too be so far from the marketplace, so her curiosity took her right to it.

The man behind the counter was very small, reminding her of one of the Dwarves of Vendros, yet with a more solid stature. He cleared his throat. She realized that she had been staring, and uncomfortably began to finger some of the wares. It was a rare weapons shop, it seemed. There were some typical Greek weapons, but also some very strange looking items. She guessed most of them to be from Sumaria, and some she had no clue as to their origins.

She was about to turn to go when a whip caught her eye. She thought back to when she had traded Xena’s whip for a frying pan. A smile blessed her lips, ‘Boy was Xena mad!’ It had the typical shape or a whip, but with tiny metal barbs flailing out from the tip. Its handle was of a metal unlike any she had seen before. It was very light yet very strong.

The man rose. "That, my dear lady, is the newest from Sri Toomba. I call it the ‘grabber.’ It’s 80 dinars if you want it."

Gabrielle started, "eighty dinars! You must be joking." She placed the whip back on its hook as if it had suddenly come to life and bitten her. "Look, although it would be a great gift for my friend, I think not." She gave him a small smile, then turned to leave, but she bounced squarely off the chest of one of two men. They were of the debonair type, yet they were somehow…scruffy looking. She hoped they wouldn’t be trouble. "Oh, I’m sorry. Excuse me please," she said at her politest, "I hadn’t realized I was being crowded."

The first man let out a peal of raucous laughter, "Yep, Noridnas, this must be the little friend."

The second man, Noridnas it seemed, let out his own guffaw of laughter, "She’s ever pertier than I thought she would be." He turned to Gabrielle, "And what are you hopin’ to buy here, little one?’

"The name’s Gabrielle. And I’m not buying anything, I was just leaving."

The man behind the counter smiled and spoke up, "Well that little girl there was eyen’ this here whip somethin’ fierce. I think she has a use for that, I do."

"Really?" Noridnas quickly looked Gabrielle up and then down. He grinned, "Yeah, I’ll just bet she does. How much?"

"One hundred dinars," the shopkeep piped up.

Gabrielle looked at him, "But you told me-"

He interrupted her, "And that’s a mighty good price for such a fine piece of weaponry, it is. Make that little girl look hot!"

Gabrielle was getting very annoyed. The best course of action seemed to be to slip past the men and go get a room as she had planned. She attempted to do just that, but a strong hand gripped her shoulder. It belonged to the first man, "Now don’t run off, sweetie, we’re just getting into the haggling now. We’ll get it for you real cheap."

She opened her mouth to tell him that it was fine, she didn’t have enough even if they halved the price, but the men would have nothing of it. She stood there, cemented to the spot by the hand that was still attached to her shoulder. ‘Well, better to avoid a fight and public scene than to just get my way,’ she thought, ‘they’ll see soon enough that I can’t afford it.’

The men haggled for quite a while. The first man, who was called Bosnose, argued the need of defensive weapons for a young girl, while the shop keep argued about profit margins and rental space. In the end they set the price at 60 dinars. Much to Gabrielle’s shock, the men paid out the money and handed the whip to her. "But, but, I-"

She was interrupted by Bosnose, "It’s a gift, girlie, for the best friend of Xena. We’ll hear nothing more of it. Take it and go."

The men walked off, leaving a very confused Gabrielle staring after. The shop keep sat down and began to happily count his dinars.

Joxer had plenty of time to think while doing his chores as well. As always, his thoughts turned immediately to the love of his life, Gabrielle. ‘Oh, Gabby, how can I ever tell you I love you? It would be such a sweet life. You, me, a couple of little Joxers running around in the yard. A nice little cottage by a stream. And when the mood caught us, off with Xena on another adventure. You and me, fighting side by side. You using your staff, while I expertly—‘

His dreaming was cut off when he tripped on a branch and sent his load of wood careening into the campsite. He quickly looked around to make sure the girls weren’t within site, then went about piling up the wood.

As he put the last piece on the pile, Gabrielle arrived with the food. "We got lucky. I caught a rabbit to go along with our veggies."

Joxer opened his mouth to comment that at least she could catch this one, unlike the supposedly "killer rabbit" that had evaded her last time she hunted for them, but decided against it. She usually took his friendly jibes the wrong way, and he ended up with a bloody nose. Instead he said, "Too bad we don’t have some fish to go with it. I’m in the mood for herring."

Thwack!!! Several freshly lobbed fish connected with his face, knocking off his helmet and helping him onto his tush. He looked up to see Xena, an evil grin on her face, turning back into the brush. Gabrielle stifled laughter, in which he didn’t join.

Joxer looked hurt, as well as stunned, so Gabrielle walked over and helped him to his feet. "Well, it looks like you get your fish."

"Yeah, but this isn’t exactly how I imagined I’d get them." He picked up the fish and pulled out his knife to clean them. As he was about to cut into the first one, an honory grin spread across his handsome face.

Gabrielle noticed and was somehow worried. "Joxer, what are you doing?" She watched as Joxer sheathed his knife and slowly advanced toward Xena’s pack, which she had left leaning against a tree. "Joxer, no. Whatever you’re thinking, no. She’s in a bad enough mood already. Besides, there isn’t anything in her pack that she’d miss much."

He bent toward the pack and picked it up. Gabrielle swallowed. He set the pack down to the side of where it had been before, and then Gabrielle saw what he had planned. Underneath Xena’s pack was her chakram. Why she didn’t have it with her, Gabrielle didn’t know, but Joxer wouldn’t, couldn’t, definitely should not do what she thought he was gonna do.

"Joxer, put the chakram down and step away." Joxer only grinned and began to clean the fish with it. "Joxer, listen. You have no idea what she’ll do to you. Do you have any idea how mad she got at me when I did that? She’ll fillet you!

Joxer just kept right on cutting, and began whistling his Joxer the Mighty song.

Xena had almost made it to the particular cave she had been looking for when she realized that something was wrong. Whether it be warrior instinct or just an unexplainable feeling, she somehow knew she must get to bottom of it. She paused and listened: nope, not someone sneaking up on her. She scanned the edges of the field she was in and could see nothing amiss. Her nose only caught the slight scent of daffodils on the breeze. "I hate daffodils." She resumed her course and then it hit her. She felt naked. She looked down and saw that her chakram was missing. She never knew when danger lay ahead, so with a disgusted snort she headed back to the camp. Maybe she could sneak in and out without having to speak to either of her companions, she just didn’t have the time.

As she stealthily made her way to the edge of the camp, she could hear a sound. A familiar sound. She stopped, "He wouldn’t." She listened some more, "He couldn’t." She eased forward until she could spy the camp. There, sitting against a tree, completely at ease and looking quite pleased with himself, was Joxer. "That little twerp!"

She tried to calm herself, really she did, but the sight of him sitting there, so calmly using her chakram to clean fish—fish!—was more than she could bear. Her chakram, the only of it’s kind, made by Haphestus, kept perfectly pristine for all these years, was being used to clean fish! Not for the first time, but for the SECOND! And once again, it would take weeks to get the smell off! She thought about turning back the way she had come, but it was ripped from her mind as quickly as if Ares himself was there, egging her on. She took a deep breath and whispered, "Prepare to die, you little pipsqueak!"

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Joxer paused in cleaning the fish. He could have sworn he heard something. Aside from the satisfying slide-click-crunch of the chakram cutting bone. He smiled once again, but it faded as he heard a very familiar sound.

"Sheeeeeeee-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-shyiiiiiiii-yah!"

Xena came flipping out of the brush, landing squarely in front of Joxer. Joxer swallowed and seemed to fall in upon himself. Xena smiled, "Do you know what I’m gonna do to you?" Joxer just stared at her. Her smile widened, "I’m gonna clean YOU!"

Gabrielle erupted from the other side of the camp, staff in hand. She bounded in between Joxer and Xena. "Xena, don’t. You can’t kill him. You’d hate yourself in the morning."

"Oh, I doubt it. Step aside, Gabrielle."

Gabrielle didn’t budge. She kept her staff up with one hand, while forcibly pulling Joxer to his feet behind her with the other. "Joxer, you’d better run. Now!"

Joxer turned and bolted into the trees. Xena tried to pursue, but Gabrielle stayed directly in her path. "I don’t want to fight you, Xena, but you can’t kill him just for this."

"No, but I can hurt him real bad." With that, Xena flipped over Gabrielle and took off after Joxer. She could hear him crashing along up ahead, and decided that she could at least make it fun. She slowed her pace so he would still run, but she wouldn’t have to necessarily catch him.

As she jogged along, she began to calm down. After a couple minutes of pursuit, she heard him tumble to a stop, which he didn’t rise from. She stopped, smiled, and went back the way she had come.

She met Gabrielle along the way back to camp. She had been tracking them, apparently, and she looked worried. Xena stopped, pointed back the way she had come, then resumed her course. She went to the camp, grabbed her chakram (her stinky chakram!) and went back to her little cave. Somehow she felt better just knowing how scared he had been.

__________________________________________ ______________________________________

Joxer awoke to an angel leaning over him. "Am I dead?"

The angel smiled, "Wake up Joxer. What did she do to you?"

Joxer frowned, trying to remember. The angel began gently slapping his cheek. It didn’t help, but somehow it made him feel better. Then the angel, who by now was looking awfully familiar, began to use a bit more force. This did work. His eyes focused and he saw that it was Gabrielle, ‘but still an angel,’ he thought, leaning over him. He sat up.

"Xena, she-she," he stopped. She hadn’t done anything, had she? He had hit his head on a branch, fell down the hill, and hit his head on a rock. He couldn’t tell Gabby that.

"Don’t speak, Joxer. You don’t have to tell me right now." Gabrielle helped him up and supported him back to camp.

She cooked the fish and rabbit, and served him some of those, along with what she had gathered. As soon as he finished eating, he fell asleep, so she let him be and decided to get some more writing done.

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The bard was confused. Why had those men bought her a whip? It didn’t make any sense, so forgetting about it for now and proceeding to the tavern made the most sense. She entered the tavern, made arrangements for a simple room, and ordered an ale. Now, you might be thinking that such a beautiful Amazon princess such as my—(scribble scribble) such as the bard, would be crazy to sit in a tavern all alone, but this bard just happened to be good at fighting. She had been trained by Xena, the princess of warriors, and took no flack from anyone. Things went well for the bard until—

Gabrielle was finishing her first ale and thinking about having another when she heard a familiar voice near the back of the tavern. She craned her neck around, but the tavern was too crowded for her to see very far. But she heard it again, and this time was sure of its source. She followed the sound of Xena’s laughter, and spotted her sitting at a table with a couple of me. THE men. She recognized them as Noridnas and Bosnose.

Xena saw her coming and her laughter quickly trailed off. "Hi, Gabrielle. What are you doing in here?"

Hmm, Xena didn’t seem glad to see her. "Just having a drink. I secured us a room."

Xena relaxed a little. "Great. Why don’t you have a seat?" She pointed to the men in turn, "This is Noridnas, and that’s Bosnose."

Bosnose chuckled, "Hello again, litt—Gabrielle."

Noridnas made quite the show of kissing her hand as she sat, but said nothing. In fact, no one said anything at all. Xena looked bored, Bosnose looked amused, and Noridnas was glaring at Bosnose. Gabrielle suddenly felt very unwanted for the first time in her life. "Look, guys, I’m sorry I can’t stay, but I’m beat. I’m gonna head upstairs, I think."

"Alright, Gabrielle, if that’s what you want to do," replied Xena. Bosnose snickered, then grimaced as an audible smack was heard from somewhere under the table.

Gabrielle sighed, "Right, see you later." As she made her way to the stairs she heard the trio’s little party resume as if it had never been interrupted. She thought it odd, and went upstairs to pout.

She heard Xena come in sometime much later, and by the looks of the shadows it was almost morning. She didn’t even bother to move and went back to sleep, feeling chagrinned.

Gabrielle looked up from her scroll just in time to see Xena slinking out of camp with her pack. She decided that enough was enough, and crept after. She didn’t make it far before Xena jumped out of a tree. She only said three words, "Go back, Gabrielle." Gabrielle sighed as Xena walked away. She turned and went back to the camp.

Joxer had awakened, and looked much better. He had her scroll again. While she was pleased at his interest in her writings, especially since she knew he needed the practice reading, she was also annoyed. She had been planning on writing more presently, and wasn’t too fond of people reading her work before she had finished. She said nothing, however, and sat down beside him. "How are you feeling?"

"Much better, thank you."

"Are you ready to tell me what happened?"

"No. Uh, I mean, I, uh, don’t really remember."

There was that red again, she was really beginning to wonder about the man. "Okay," she said, "maybe it will come back to you later."

Joxer nodded and continued his laborious process of reading the scroll.

When he had finally finished, she took it back, and sat down to continue her epic.

The bard awoke early the next morning to find her trusty companion missing again. This was getting a little strange, so she decided to go find her. She made a complete search of the town, but could find her nowhere, so she decided to have breakfast before continuing to look. When she arrived in the tavern, she was approached by Noridnas. He smiled and said—

"Good morning, sweetie. You sure went to bed early last night. You have some company we didn’t know about?" He winked.

"The name is Gabrielle, and no, as if it were any of your business."

"Ok, ok, just making conversation. So what are you up to on this fine morning?"

"Actually, I’m looking for Xena. Do you know where she’s gone off to?"

"Don’t know where she went, but I do have a message for ya."

A message with this guy? Xena must be losing it. "Okay, what’s the message?"

"You’re to go to Thompolinas ahead of her. Camp at the next timber after the big river and she’ll meet up with you later."

"That’s all?"

"That’s all, missy."

Gabrielle sighed, "I hate it when she does this. Thank you very much."

"No problem, toots, see ya around." With that, he exited the tavern. Had Gabrielle not been so angry at Xena’s behavior, she would have followed and given him a message via her staff as to just exactly what she liked to be called. As it was, she stomped off toward Thompolinas.

She arrived at the campsite long before midday. Xena had shown up a few hours later. That’s when Gabrielle first noticed her peculiar mood. Xena stayed in the camp for only a short time, saying hardly a word, and then left with no explanation. After that she had been there and gone all day, but there were no problems until the slop bucket incident.

Gabrielle put down her scroll in a frustrated movement. Joxer looked over. "Something wrong, Gabby?"

"No, not really. It’s just that Xena has been acting strangely for the past couple of days. Disappearing, throwing things, trying to kill you...it makes no sense."

Joxer looked uncomfortable. "That reminds me, maybe I should be gone before she gets back. It would be a shame for Joxer the Mighty to die so young in life."

"Too late." Xena stepped out of the trees. "Come with me, both of you." Joxer looked at Gabrielle. She looked angry. Gabrielle looked at Joxer. He looked scared. They both looked at Xena. She looked like she meant business. "Now, you two."

Gabrielle and Joxer rose and followed her, giving each other furtive glances along the way. They passed out of the trees and through a field, then finally reached a small cave. Xena turned to face them, "Wait here. I mean it, don’t move." She then slipped into the cave and into darkness.

Joxer and Gabrielle said nothing. She was mulling over exactly what kind of insect to place in Xena’s sleeping bag, and he was wondering what would be put on his gravestone. "Something nice, I hope."

Gabrielle looked at him, confused. "What did you say?"

"Nothing. Just thinking aloud."

Xena returned and motioned for them to follow. They entered the darkness of the cave and saw…nothing. It was pitch black inside. They heard scuffling and then—

"Surprise!" Lamps were uncovered and they saw that the cave was milling with people. Gabrielle smiled. "Oh, I completely forgot!" Joxer just looked confused, as per normal.

Xena grinned, "And that made it all the better. Happy Birthday."

People began stepping forward and patting her on the back. There were so many people! Autolycus, Iolus, Hercules, and even Salmoneus, were some of the first to congratulate her. Gabrielle’s head whirled. "It must have taken months to plan this!"

Joxer stepped up to Xena, "Why didn’t you tell me?" He looked hurt.

Xena smiled at him, and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You did the most important job of all, Joxer. You kept her out of my hair while I finished all this." She paused, "How’s your head?"

Joxer blushed, "It’s fine. Heh-heh."

Noridnas and Bosnose stepped out of the crowd, smiling at her. "Happy birthday, Gabrielle," they said in unison. She smiled. "Thank you. Now can I know what that whip was all about?"

Noridnas grinned, "That, my dear, was your birthday present. Anyone that Xena would go to so much trouble for definitely deserves it."

Gabrielle shifted, "Thank you, but actually, I don’t know how to use a whip. I was looking at it because I wanted to replace Xena’s old one."

Bosnose chuckled, "Well, it’s yours to do what you want with it. A gift is a gift, and we won’t be offended."

"Thank you, you two. By the way, where do you know Xena from? I’ve never heard about you before." This statement sent the two off on another bout of laughter. They began telling Gabrielle about old times with Xena. Xena occasionally interjected to clear up a point, and Gabrielle enjoyed watching the three of them banter.

The party went on well into the night and they all had a great time. Joxer even tried to convince Gabrielle that it was an old Chinese custom to kiss a birthday girl under the ivy vines. It didn’t work.