(Xena and Gabrielle walk into a quaint little town)

Gabrielle: There's nothing like fresh air in the morning.

Xena: Until we find evil to smite, we shall enjoy ourselves in this little

town.  Yes, for though evil and danger are always around us, we must have a

morning off now and then.

(A little girl rushes in.  She has wide, adorable eyes, blond curls, a cute

grin, and a pretend sword made out of a stick.)

LG: Is it . . . is it you? Xena? You’re my hero!

X: Yes, it’s none other. (poses) Can I help you, little girl?

LG: Oh, yes! Teach me how to be like you!

X: Hm. I could try. What do you want to know?

LG: How do you do those flips and things so perfectly?

X: (modestly) I have persistence and dedication.

LG: And after you’re done doing all of those backflips and cartwheels, your

hair is always still so perfect! How do you keep it in place?

G: Her hair has persistence and dedication.  Now scram, little girl.  (to

Xena) I thought I just saw Autolycus!

X: What? Where?

G: By that vendor’s stand over there, The Amazing Pita.  (camera turns to show

Autolycus, sitting in front of the stand and happily munching on a pita.)

X: I have to go, little girl.  If you truly want to be like me, just practice,

practice, practice.

LG: Oh, I’ll start practicing right now, Lady Xena!  (She gives Xena a bright

smile and a spontaneous hug, then runs off, waving her stick sword and

shouting fierce-sounding things.)

(Xena and Gabrielle walk over to Autolycus, who is staring at the half-eaten

pita with a look of idol worship.)

X: So what brings you to town, Autolycus? What are you trying to steal this

time?

Autolycus: Can’t a guy enjoy the world’s best pitas in peace? Must everyone in

this world always suspect me of being up to something? (he looks dramatically

sad, then takes another bite of the pita, closing his eyes and looking

overjoyed.)  Ooh, yeah.  You’ve really gotta try this, Xena.

G: You’re the King of Thieves, and you’re trying to convince us you’re not

here to steal anything?

A: Look, Gabby, there’s only one thief operating in this town.  She’s three

feet tall and has dimples.  Some cute little kid that robs people when she

hugs them.

X: Oh no.  (she checks her money pouch, and goes pale.) Autolycus, can I have

a bite of that pita? I don’t exactly think I’m going to be able to afford

lunch today. (He offers it to her. She takes it, eats a bite, and looks

amazed.) Wow, you’re right. This is great.

G: (sings) Let me sing you a song of a cute little girl, with adorable dimples

and honey-gold curls.  Yes, it was Xena that she tricked and robbed, and so

Xena ate pitas and sobbed -

X: (poetically) There is a time for everything, Gabrielle. There is a time to

sing, and a time to eat.  This is definitely NOT a time to sing.  (She shoves

the pita at Gabrielle)

G: Oh, yummy.

***But no story of Xena is complete without Ares falling in love with one of

the characters! And so -***

(The adorable Ares enters, causing the females in the area to stare and sigh.

Gabrielle almost chokes on her bite of pita.)

Ares: Oh, my love, I cannot keep my feelings hidden any longer.  Your smile

warms my heart like nothing else can.  Your blonde hair is a work of art.

Give me a try, and you’ll see that beneath that ‘homicidal warrior’ mask is a

sweet, soft, lovable guy, with sensitive feelings.

G: Oh, my dear, I knew you would confess your feelings!

Ares: Who said anything about you, Wonder Woman? (he turns to the little girl,

who has come back into the scene unnoticed.)  Little girl, you are my one true

love!

LG: (with a melting grin) Mister, I don’t know who you are. But you’re cute.

(she runs up to him, and gives him a giant hug.)  Let me go tell my mommy that

I’m going to run away with you. (she kisses him on the cheek and runs out of

the scene.)

X: Um, Ares?

Ares: Yes?

X: You might want to check your money pouch.

Ares: (after finding it empty) A curse upon that little girl and all of her

descendants!

G: Lighten up. Have a pita. (Offers it to him - fade to black.)

(written by Sasha Wolf {sashira@aol.com} - essays written, custom poetry

composed, specializing in spontaneous satire)