Dreams that will never be

By: Xat

My son is dead.

The only light in all the darkness that surrounds me . . . . that is me, is dead.

What little spark of goodness that had survived the violent years of hate, loneliness and betrayal, that had fought to keep me on the road to redemption, burned away as the flames licked at by son's perfect body.

My son.

He was my dreams.

He was all I wanted to be but knew I never could.

He was beyond that, he was my laughter, my love.

When I looked into his eyes that were so like mine, yet so different, I saw the innocent child that had died at the hands of such men as Cortese and Caesar. A child full of the warmth that I longed to feel yet wouldn't allow myself.

Instead my being is flooded with such pain that no word could describe it. If only I could inflict such agony on myself physically then maybe I could compare notes.

But it's impossible, and believe me I have tried.

It's worse than the deaths of my beloved brother, Marcus, Argo and her combined.

I will not speak her name as she will never speak my son's.

She thinks she knows how I feel. No one can and no one ever will.

She has Ephiny, the Amazon Nation and her family for comfort. I have no one - not even my horse.

Of course the Great Warrior Princess doesn't need such comforting, or so people think, but I'm not the Warrior Princess they make me out to be.

I'm a woman.

I'm a mother.

And I'm hurting.

But I'll do it alone, like I always have.

I can't see past my son's form slouched over the alter, his pale skin, his lifeless eyes.

What a cruel joke that I can outwit gods and defeat entire armies but I'll never see my son again.

I'll never meet him in the Elysian Fields.

That's what hurts the most I think, knowing that I'll never be able to hold him in my arms or sing him to sleep.

That I can't be his mother, that I never could have no matter how great my sacrifice.

For now my sweet Solon, you are one with the flames and I prey to gods I no longer believe in that you can not feel my pain or know what I am about to do.

I wish I could have known you.

I wish I was the momma that you believed me to be, that I so despirately wanted to be.



Summary: Xena's anguish over the death of her son.
Spoilers: Maternal Instincts and Bitter Suite
Rating: G

Authors notes: I wrote this after watching Maternal Instincts and reading other Xenites comments on the episode and I was compelled to write this down.
A lot of people felt for Gabrielle but I feel much more for Xena. She lost EVERYTHING and I won't pretend to know how that would feel.
I have absolutley no pity for Gabrielle and I thought the GABDRAG was deserved. (I can hear the flames now .. . )
Lucy Lawless, and Renee O'Connor acted superbly in this episode, not to mention the other cast members. (Ya gotta love Callisto 'Come meet your Auntie Callisto . . .' he he he . . . .
Any comments are welcomed.